I've decided on this following a very heated New Years Eve discussion with my boyfriend.
I'm always asking Matt if we can talk about the future. Living in a long distance relationship as we are, it can be very hard to see that little light at the end of the being-apart-all-the-time tunnel. I've applied to go to Graduate School in the same city as him - the absolute easiest way for a person of my age and finances to move anywhere overseas - but immigration laws in the UK will make it close to impossible for me to stay once that degree is finished.
Thoughts like these tend to weigh on me and make me feel panicky. Matt, however, is a problem solver.
On New Years Eve, we went for a walk in snowy, freezing New York, just to get some time on to ourselves. He, out of the blue, suggested that we look for a place in the world that wants people, has universities and teaching/working opportunities for me - Matt suggested we move to Kenya.
I automatically said no. I nearly screamed, I protested, I told him he could go by himself and I felt awful. I don't want him to go on adventures without me. I don't want to lose him to amazing experiences for two years while I sit at home. And the only thing that I can think of that made me act that way is fear.
The thing about travelling the world is I'm not very good at it. I'm a worrier. I can go from an amazingly confident woman in my own space to, quite frankly, a tragic wreck when I'm brought out of my comfort zone. I'm fully aware of that. I call my self The Unlikely Explorer for a reason. Over the course of this twenty minute conversation with Matt we went from my yelling and protesting (for seemingly no reason- to either of us) and Matt yelling at me for being prejudiced and me getting even more mad at the accusation to me finally admitting that he was right.
I'm not in anyway saying that I was raised to distrust other places, new places or any certain group of people. But I have grown up, most specifically in the last few years, exposed to the media's portrayal of the world and most stories you hear coming out of Africa are about poverty and war and sickness and that's terrifying to me. Which is something I'm not proud to admit.
Once I did admit that yes, I was being prejudiced, it was easy to finally see why we were fighting. It was also easier for me to say, maybe that can work. It's no use going through life letting our preconceptions (which can so often be misconceptions) govern how much we experience. We all do it (even you Matt <3) and it's not something that's right to do. This fear causes my stubbornness for no reason and, most awfully, it keeps me standing still.
The point of this all is not that I'm moving to Africa anytime soon. It turns out that Canada, amazingly, is more likely because of what it offers for schools and job opportunities in our fields - which is not the point either.
It's really about acknowledging that in life, when you let fears, small or big, take over your world view, you end up telling the man you love that he can go off alone while you sit bitterly at home. Or, if you must be less specific, you just miss out on so many experiences. There's a lot of things I would love to go back in time and do but I can't. All I can do is not let that stand in the way anymore. If nothing else, the need to make what is an amazing but sometimes inconvenient located love work, will be the first thing to bring me over those hurdles.
It's 2013. There's only one way to make it amazing... "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."
|Here's to wild abandon and actually living <3|
Happy New Year